Pictures! Of Mayor Daley!!!!!
I've got pictures. So give me the money.
Right hear in this sealed yellow envelope. Real pictures.
Pictures that will get me the ten thousand dollars offered by the Cook County Republican Party for information that will lead to the arrest and conviction of Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley. On what crime? Beats me.
But I can't be bothered with details right now---because I've got to write this fast. Get my name and my pictures in there quick. Before somebody else gobbles up that ten thousand dollars. Sure, I know the story was buried in the Chicago newspapers. Relegated to a small item inside the metro section of the Chicago Tribune. We all know about the liberal bias of the media---so no surprise there.
But TV picked it up because there was footage. The Mayor's lawyer yelling about the whole thing being absurd.
This story is the kind of thing that makes people in St. Louis smile and say 'See? They think they are so high and mighty up there at the other end of I-55---lording it over us.'
While New Yorkers just smirk and roll their eyes.
So just wait till TV gets a hold of my pictures. THAT will be a story. Might even be the lead story that night. Unless of course there is a really bad car crash or fire with footage.
I know how this stuff works. I know there's danger in this. I'm the guy that is finally gonna bring down Daley. Think that's a small deal? Uh huh. Gosh, ten thousand dollars. Maybe I could take my check to one of the shopping centers owned by the guy who's offering the money. Maybe I could help him by spending it there? I mean the more money he makes, the more will trickle down to me. Right? At least it will hold me until my next tax refund check.
But no time for daydreaming. I got to get this down on paper'so I can alert FOX and let them know that I am giving them exclusive rights to the pictures I am now holding in my hand. And just in case something happens to me---I will now describe my pictures. Insurance to make sure I get that money.
PICTURE NUMBER ONE: Look at this! I know it's hard to believe. But it's true. Go ahead'rub your eyes and look again. Here it is. Total PROOF because that is Mayor Daley. And do you see that he is smiling??? Smiling!!!!!! And what he is doing is as clear as one of those freedom hating, suicide bombing terrorists ' yes it is as clear as one of those Muslim fella's that blow themselves up simply because they hate freedom so much: Mayor Daley is riding a bicycle!!!!!!!!!
Yes it's been reported that this MIGHT be true. But my picture confirms it! Mayor Daley rides bicycles! And I don't think I have to spell out what this means. All that talk about being a White Sox fan? Forget it. How many republican's ride bicycles? Not many! Oh sure---our great President has had an accident or two as zealous security forces on the look-out came across radical cells of terrorist squirrels and smashed their bikes into the President. At least THAT is what we read in the liberal press. But did that really happen? Is there actual proof? Proof like this damning picture I have right here? And the worst part is that as a bicycle rider ---Mayor Daley is only one step away from that Lance Armstrong person who thinks its important to spend all that time riding his bicycle in France!
We all saw who was there at the end of that race---a certain Senator John Kerry. Once again siding with the French over the Americans! John Kerry watching that Frenchman Lance Armstrong win the race. And the topper? Monsieur Armstrong's girlfriend Sheryl Crow. Some sort of flower power singer with a song called 'All I Want to Do Is Have Some Fun.' This picture PROVING once and for all that Mayor Daley both rides bicycles AND has radical French connections---this picture would be enough.
But there is more.
PICTURE NUMBER TWO: What you're looking now isn't quite as shocking as the man on the bicycle. This is actually our street here in the North Center neighborhood of Chicago. Our place is the little white house on the left. Yeah I know the front porch looks terrible. I've been scrapping off the paint all summer and I will get around to painting it. Really I will---because my wife will make me finish it. But that's not important now. Look carefully at this picture. What do you see more than anything? That's right! You see TREES! TREES! I tell you. They are sprouting up EVERYWHERE in this city!!! And who's fault is that??? Who's the tree hugger, green peace, hippie nut job that actually puts real environmental concers on top of his agenda? You guessed it. Mayor Daley! Travel west on Madison Street towards the United Center---walk down Michigan Avenue, LaSalle Street, my street---and you see trees and flowers !!!!! Everywhere!!!! The man has planted a garden on the roof of City Hall! And I think we have all learned from the example of that great public servant---our Vice President---that what's best for the environment is what's best for business. Period. End of story. That's all there is!
Oh we need program names like 'The Forever Clean Air and Water' Act the 'I promise I won't rip the crap out of the forests' act---the lumber mills in Yellowstone---is it really all that bad? act. Sure. We need those. But the trees on my block as my real estate keeps value keeps rising. That's just wrong! And I know who's accountable.
The man bulldozed a small airport in the middle of the night so the city could have a park!
The man is a menace with all this emphasis on making our city continually more beautiful And this picture of my block PROVES it!
But that's not the worst of it. . . . .take a look at this last picture.
PICTURE NUMBER THREE: Now I'm not saying that he is for the terrorists. But I'm sure you can understand Mr. Cook County Republican Chairman---the man who can give me my check for ten thousand big ones'I'm sure you can understand that this picture of Mayor Daley standing in front of a bunch of TV monitors shows an approach to security that is different than most every place I've seen.
Do you SEE a Color Code Warning chart here? Hmmm. Don't you find that STRANGE? Do you see the ripping into libraries that we know will make us safer? Nope. Searching backpacks in the subway? Nope. For goodness sake---'no one here is even telling us to BE VIGILENT! And how can we BE VIGILENT---which we know is what stops the terrorists---if no one tells us!!!!
No---what we see here in my picture PROVES that Mayor Daley is different.
We see a sophisticated system of cameras ---hundreds of them'tied into a central location, coordinated police, fire and emergency services, strong managers, a commitment from the top and a plan. There is accountability and responsibility in this picture. And what kind of a politician is THAT? Will somebody please bring up the evils of gay marriage or stem cell research quick---because I am getting confused here!!!!!
Worse yet---look at the people standing around the Mayor. They are DIVERSE!!!! There seems to be an emphasis on somehow getting good managers and getting a representative rainbow of managers---instead of just friends. Now in the shopping center business, we know the value of networking, we know the value of friends in the right places. Not all this DIVERSITY stuff. Reminds me of that ad they had on TV---well, actually it was just cable because thankfully the networks banned it---that ad that said there is a church out there that welcomes all.
And we certainly can't have THAT! Not in our government and certainly not in our CHURCHES!
So I think I've made my case here. And just in case I haven't there are other pictures. All of them are for sale---because of course what isn't for sale?
In fact---if you'd like to make it a hundred thousand instead of ten---I've always wanted my very own Hummer. And with a hundred thousand---I could even buy a better camera. Maybe make this a career. Just me and my Hummer. We'd never sleep. Driving around the city looking for ways to get the goods on the Mayor. I've got this camouflage outfit I bought at the surplus store. And a helmet my Uncle Max got off a Japanese fella in the war.
C'mon. I'm a good republican.
Can I have the money?
About the author: Roger Wright's blog is Church Food Chicago. Located on the salon.com server.